Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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