I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
