Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
