the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
