is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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