the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
