Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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