I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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