dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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