Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
