spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
