Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
