I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
