I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
