Taylor Swift is so right about you.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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