Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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