Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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