I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
