Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
