you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
