no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
