Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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