I'm going to jail i love you
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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