Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
