oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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