he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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