I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
