my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
