JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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