the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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