Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
