I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
