Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
