I met the friendliest cop last night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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