My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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