I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
