The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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