They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
