I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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