are you so shy because you have an std?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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