i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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