I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
