I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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