Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
