You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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