Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This baby is an asshole
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
