worst night to have a conscience
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
