I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I met the friendliest cop last night
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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