god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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