Don't make out with my wife yet
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
