these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
