she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
