I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
