Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
