Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
