i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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