glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
